Dear 2012,

You started out on a really excellent note with a great student teaching experience and my college graduation. However, you have done almost nothing but shit on me since then. I was lucky enough to find a teaching job with great coworkers, but even getting that job was too stressful to be able to actually celebrate. My house shopping experience has been hell from the very start, and now I am miserable. 2012, I am ready for you to be over. Good riddance.

I feel as dead as can be.

I'm longing for human contact.

The last few nights I've been having dreams where I'm pregnant, which is a normal thing once in a while, but they're occurring incessantly... Again.

It's weird because there is no father in the dreams, but I'm still so happy.

While with my ex, the baby dreams were constant, and of course, they were his. But in these dreams, I don't know who the father is and I don't care. I even laughed about not knowing whose it was in one dream.

It's the reaffirmation that I'm trying to get my life started, but there are still pieces missing. I have a career now. I'm looking at houses. I have a salary, my own insurance, and a million possibilities ahead of me. I just don't have anyone to share any of it with.

Both my mind and body are rebelling against this fact, but there's nothing I can do to calm it. I wish I could be content with being young and single, and for a while I am, but it always comes back to this: feeling dead. Having dreams where I'm thrilled about having a baby, only to wake up and feel crushed at the realization of reality.

Ah, sigh.

Job searching like a fiend.

For the last 2 months, my life has centered around my quest for a teaching job. Graduating was awesome. I've never been more proud of myself. I'm trying to remember that as I apply to job after job and hear from very few schools. It's frightening. I know there's still time, so I'm not in total freak out yet. At least this is occupying most of my time. I'm kind of being less stupid in the guy department when I'm focused on this. I stress that I'm kinda less stupid.
Ah well...

A Big Day

Had I stayed with my ex (who I broke up with just about a year ago), today would have been our wedding day. Just saying that is scary.

I didn't know how I'd make it through this day, but I'm unexpectedly overwhelmed by how fortunate I am. I was in a big rush to be a "real" grown up and settle down, but I was also in a rush to settle.

Over the last year, I've learned a lot about myself and about what I want in life. I may not be perfectly content right now, but I'm free, and I'm safe. Those are two things I'll never compromise on, so anyone I end up with needs to make me feel that I'm still free and safe, not trapped and scared.

I'm not going to settle ever again.

I'm not going to tell you about this one.

Because every time I post about a new boy, it doesn't work out, and I look like a fool.

I'm very hopeful this time, so I'll tell you about it later. Maybe this time, it will be good news.

<3

Because I&apos;m an idiot,

I've fallen for a boy that does not meet any of my criteria. He's young. He's not in school. He smokes. He's in a band. He has an audience on every social networking medium made up of other bands, attention-seeking fans, sluts, and even strippers! Cool.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm just riding it out to see where it goes, if anywhere. I'm not pushing anything in any direction, just letting whatever happens happen.

This approach can't be worse than how things have been turning out. We'll see...

The Never Ending Rollercoaster.

As is becoming typical of me, I've completely changed my mind overnight. Just when I think I'm ready for a relationship, I wake up one morning wanting nothing to do with the situation. I'm going to stop making myself crazy over this nonsense and go back to worrying about school. Ugh.

New Horizons

I am a mere 6 weeks away from graduating college. I have already passed the halfway point of my student teaching, which I can't believe. I was already in love with the school before I started, but my love has grown desperate. I simply can't believe I'm expected to walk out of there on my last day,after saying my goodbyes, and not throw a fit.

I worried so much about finding a place where I fit in and was comfortable, and I didn't think I would. However, this middle school has proven to be an amazing environment that I desperately want to be a part of. I love the teachers here. I get along with everyone, and I feel at home. It's amazing. This is where I belong. This is where I want to spend a few decades of my life, where I want to build my future.

Add to all this emotion a teacher that has shown interest in me. We've been talking everyday, but only hung out twice, and already, I'm enamored. It's unreal. It's quite clear that he feels the same. He's all about me. I'm all about him. And my coworker has already planned our wedding! Haha it's funny, but it really is crazy how fast this is happening. It's even crazier that I'm not running away in fear. I'm heading right into this.

It is the first time I have met someone who is established, ambitious, looking for the long term, amazing with children, intelligent, funny, gentlemanly, affectionate, respectful... I could keep going. He's perfect. I'm convinced that I will marry him some day. For now, we will go on dates now and then. The fact that I'm already thinking of the future is significant. It doesn't overwhelm me; it thrills me. Like I said, I'm enamored.

I've also heard mention of a potential position opening up that would be beyond perfection. I can't even think about it because the possibility of not getting it terrifies me. Regardless of what happens, I'm graduating college and going out into the world to make a difference in kids' lives. I'm going to do what I love and what I've wanted to do since I was a little kid. I may even have an amazing man by my side that I can build a life with. I may get to teach at the same school, at a place where I feel happy and at home. The horizon is looking bright, and I can't wait to get started.

<3

What do you do when you meet the man of your dreams?

I'm about to find out...

Meeting Danny Briere (Flyers center #48) tomorrow at his signing.

I feel faint already...

Eeek!

Back off, fellas.

For the record, I have NOT been looking for someone to date over these last 8 months. I am pretty content on my own, and I really have no time to bother with such nonsense. That said, I have tried going on dates when someone is interested in me. It's not happening anymore. I really want to be left alone. That's besides the fact that if you aren't ambitiously working your way through school towards a stable career or are already in possession of a position that makes you around 50 grand a year, I want nothing to do with you. You have nothing to offer me. I'm going to buy a house next year, and I could have it paid off before I turn 40, ON MY OWN. So the last thing I need is someone I'd have to take care of or who couldn't keep up. I'm not sorry because I have big plans for myself, and no one is going to hold me back.

Hmm...

So the one guy that I have continued to hang out with really confused me the other night. He tends to be reluctant about following my occasional requests to take precautions. (I'm not always consistent.) He made a comment about my inconsistency, and I responded that I'm sometimes weak, and he doesn't pick up for my weakness. I said that I didn't know where he had been, so he shouldn't give me a hard time. He remarked that it was a bit late for that, which I admitted, but added that I'd gotten tested, so he said we were fine then. I couldn't accept that because I didn't know what/who else he was doing. Here's where he blows my mind. He said he hadn't been with anyone else since me. Now, I was under the impression that this was far from true. Every time we planned to hang out and canceled, I assumed he found someone better. This information really threw me off. I even joked about the possibility that he was only telling me what I wanted to hear, but he responded very seriously that he was absolutely not. Some of my friends that I told still don't believe it. I can't help it, though. It changed the entire mood of the night and it was more affectionate and romantic than ever before, so I feel like that's an important difference. All I've wanted since that night is to see him again, which is crazy because we don't hang out that often, and I couldn't picture us legitimately dating. It's so confusing. I really don't know what to think...

My Life Lately

There's something very wrong with the social interactions I've been having over the last 7 months or so (since I've been single, basically). I keep meeting guys that become instantly obsessed with me for absolutely no reason. It's not cute or flattering. They get so clingy that it's creepy and possessive. Of course, this sends me running in the other direction, but they don't quit for a long time. One I thought was over with (from October!), but there he is friend requesting me today! This is what caused my freak out across multiple social networking mediums. After 4 months of not speaking, I don't even understand how he remembered my name. Creepy!

This repetition is really starting to get to me. I wasn't looking for anyone when I became single. After almost 4 years of being in a relationship, I was ready to be on my own for a while. I still feel fine on my own. I haven't been looking. I want to make that clear because I don't feel that I deserve the backlash I'm getting for rejecting these guys.  Shortly after the breakup (maybe 2 months), a guy I used to have a crush on contacted me. Let's call him J. When I was in high school, especially during my emo phase, I was obsessed with J. He had longish black hair & lip rings, a great body, and seemed like a really nice guy. However, the things I obsessed over when I was 17 aren't as appealing at 23. Plus, we are almost nothing like we were then. Anyway, I gave it a shot. We hung out a lot over 2 weeks, and I had a lot of fun, but it very quickly began to feel like we were in a relationship. He was kind of serving as a filler for my ex, so I didn't immediately respond to the possessiveness. One night I went to a show with him and my best friend, Jill. I couldn't even stand comfortably to watch the bands because he was stuck to my side an clinging to me the entire time. There was even a point where Jill was walking ahead of us, and I couldn't keep up because he was holding my hand and walking so slowly that he was physically holding me back. That did it, pretty much. I don't do cling. I can't take it, especially when it separates me from a friend or infringes on my enjoyment of shows. I tried to sever things in one shot but it took a lot of texting and a lot of ignoring before J gave up, though he contacted me again this fall. It was all exhausting. 

I'll call the next guy I met M. I met him in August. He is the exact opposite of clingy. We still see each other, but he isn't interested in actually dating, which is fine with me. It probably has a lot to do with why we still hang out. Moving on...

The next one I actually met at a hotel during my friend's bachelorette party, so we'll call him B. The girls and I had a great time at the bar and stumbled next door to the hotel where we met this guy and one of his friends. I guess they were just hanging out in the lobby. Being the drunken idiots that we were, with me leading the group, several of us went down to their floor to knock on their door and run away. It was quite a lot of fun. lol They eventually showed up at our door and wanted to hang out. B seemed interested in me right away. We took a stroll down the hall and made out in a stairwell. It was all good fun until he started asking me back to his room. He actually wanted me to spend the night with him, not do anything (remember, he has 2 friends there!), but just sleep next to each other. PEOPLE GET KILLED IN HOTEL ROOMS! I'm not going with you! I went back to my room, and we got him to leave with the explanation that I wasn't going to leave my friend. It was her party after all. He still gave me a hard time but we had determined that he lived no more than 30 minutes from me and that we could hang out some other time. Oddly enough, he came back! With the excuse that his friends passed out and locked him out of the room. He wanted to sleep in ours, which the girls thought was funny. One of them called down to the desk to get him another key. Finally that was the end. When he and I were supposed to hang out he canceled and said he didn't want to. I was confused and offended, so I proceeded to ignore his subsequent texts. He came up with an excuse (7 hours later) that he had to take his pregnant sister to the doctor. I asked why he hadn't said so in the first place and he told me repeatedly that his pregnant sister was more important to him than some girl he just met, which I never disputed! I tried various responses to get him to leave me alone, and he ended up calling me a "crazy slut." That was the end of my responses. The next day he apologized profusely, but with no excuse or explanation for his being a complete psychopath, so I never answered him. He's the one who friend requested me today. Needless to say, he was denied.

Next, I met D at a Halloween party at a bar/club where I went with a coworker (he was in her group of friends that we met up with). I thought he was pretty cute and he was a total gentleman. He was also a great dancer (and kisser). Except for the fact that he smoked, I was all about him that night. We hung out once more and I realized that he was way shy when he wasn't in a Halloween costume and with a bunch of friends, which is fine, but there was a serious awkwardness that bothered me. He asked a lot of questions, and I talked about the music I like and how I wanted to be in a band. I quickly got the feeling that he couldn't handle me, he didn't seem into tattoos or heavy music at all, and I could never picture him at one of my shows. It also didn't help that I was disgusted when he came back from smoke breaks. Ugh! That's one of the biggest deal breakers for me. I can't overlook it. He wanted to hang out after that, but with school and 2 jobs, I didn't really have time. He asked me to go out with him one random Wednesday, and I said maybe because I had a paper to work on. Nothing more was said. He texted me Wednesday, and I told him I really had a lot of writing to do. He took my "I don't know, I'll see" as a "yes, let's make plans," so he was angry that he sat at home and didn't make other plans on this Wednesday night. He proceeded to flip out on me. That was it. I was beyond turned off. He still tried to hang out for WEEKS, but I wasn't interested. I eventually stopped responding, and he stopped asking.

Are you exhausted yet? Do you think it's just something I'm doing wrong? WTF?? Let's proceed...

The next boy we'll call R. Jill met him and introduced us in November. We hung out in groups a few times and I was very interested. On paper, we are perfect together. He has many qualities that I look for in a guy. However, in reality it is absolutely no good. I realized this before he even got crazy. He was sooooooooo awkward. We hung out twice on our own, and it was really painful how awkward it was. I suppose it doesn't help that he's younger than me, though only about a year. I made many mistakes along the way, starting with letting him know how interested I was and calling him little pet names and talking to him about my problems and telling him how perfect he was for me... oops! So, of course, he lies about this girl being his ex, wants me to meet his parents, FREAKS OUT when I decide not to go to a New Years Eve party with him, and then calls me to tell me I gave him chlamydia... ALL IN A MATTER OF ABOUT 5 DAYS!! I do not have chlamydia... so there goes that. The fact that he thought he had it 2 days after we had relations (oops again!)... come on! How stupid can someone be? I was ready to drop things immediately, even before the phone call about bullshit, but of course it doesn't happen that way. No, it goes on and on and on and ON AND ON. STILL! Today it still goes on! Although my rant today may have finally done the trick, but I guess we'll see. Anyway...

The newest one I met 2 weeks ago. He works the desk at my gym, so he has only seen me when I look horrendously awful, unshowered, no makeup, dirty hair, but whatever. You get the idea. For some reason, he decided to talk to me and give me his number. Hell, he was cute. I took it. Two days later he wanted to hang out, but with my student teaching all day and getting up at 6 all week, I was exhausted, so I really didn't want to go out in the cold at 11 at night to meet up in a parking lot. He was very pushy, but I finally got my point across. I talked to him several times since, but I work all weekend, and I just really don't have any free time to give him. Last night he said he was heading to the gym with some friends to enjoy the hot tub, and invited me along. I was working late, so I was going to pass. It couldn't be that easy, though. He reminded me that he had a key, so it wouldn't matter if it was late, and then gave me a hard time when I said my bathing suits are in the attic. It's JANUARY! Besides the fact that I'm not going to a closed gym in the middle of the night to get in a hot tub with you and your friends who I've never met! Seriously? I'm not trying to get raped and murdered! I re-explained to him that I can't stay up very late when I wake up at 6 all week, that school is my only priority from now until May, and that I just don't have the kind of free time that he seems to. He responded with "okay," so maybe he'll lay off. Who knows?

I'm really exhausted with all this nonsense. I've tried to make it clear that I'm not interested in dating, so people will leave me alone. I have 4 months left of school until I graduate and get my teaching certificate. I need to focus on school only. It requires my full concentration! I'm learning to be a teacher and taking on all the responsibilities! Plus, I have to work some week nights and all weekends! And I'm trying to be in this band... so, I really am not lying when I say I have NO FREE TIME. I am so done with boys. I need a boy in my life like I need to have chlamydia. Get out of my face!

The end. <3