If I could scream on here, that's what I'd be doing right now.
Assholes...
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Confused... As Usual
I really need to accept the fact that I will never know what I want when it comes to relationships. I was on my own for a little while, and was pretty much content. A new opportunity arose that I thought would be a dream come true. Well... after 2 weeks of that, I'm more confused than ever. Just a few months ago, I was trying on a wedding dress, picking out engagement rings, and waiting for my chance to give an affirmative response to the anticipated question. So, I guess it shouldn't surprise me that sleeping next to someone else felt strange. I really have no idea what I'm doing.
Part of me is all about this new thing, but a huge part of me wants to be on my own again. I want to go to shows and be able to stand there without someone clinging to me and trying to take my attention away from the band. I don't want to be taken care of when I'm in the pit. I don't want to be distanced from my friend because I have to wait for someone else to keep up. I also don't want to hurt anyone, and I hate having that fear. I like having no one to please but myself. I like only worrying about what I need, what I want. Yes, it's selfish, but I spent the last 3 and a half years of my young life catering to and revolving around another human. I need some serious "Me Time."
What happened to a time when people just went on dates and had fun? Why is there such pressure for commitment right from the beginning? You barely have a chance to get to know someone before you're expected to hang out with them every chance you get, put them before your friends, and let them look through your phone. No wonder dating is so terrifying! I feel like I have to hand my life over to someone else, but I'm trying to pull it back and hide it away at the same time. I don't think I've recovered from the shock of losing my entire future. Of course it's going to be hard to work on a new one... with someone else... so soon.
Ugh! What's a girl to do?
Part of me is all about this new thing, but a huge part of me wants to be on my own again. I want to go to shows and be able to stand there without someone clinging to me and trying to take my attention away from the band. I don't want to be taken care of when I'm in the pit. I don't want to be distanced from my friend because I have to wait for someone else to keep up. I also don't want to hurt anyone, and I hate having that fear. I like having no one to please but myself. I like only worrying about what I need, what I want. Yes, it's selfish, but I spent the last 3 and a half years of my young life catering to and revolving around another human. I need some serious "Me Time."
What happened to a time when people just went on dates and had fun? Why is there such pressure for commitment right from the beginning? You barely have a chance to get to know someone before you're expected to hang out with them every chance you get, put them before your friends, and let them look through your phone. No wonder dating is so terrifying! I feel like I have to hand my life over to someone else, but I'm trying to pull it back and hide it away at the same time. I don't think I've recovered from the shock of losing my entire future. Of course it's going to be hard to work on a new one... with someone else... so soon.
Ugh! What's a girl to do?
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