It turns out that the cycle only repeats itself and never changes. Relentless. I finally feel like I can get out of it, but at what cost? How do you evaluate a situation to decide whether it is worth investing the rest of your life? It isn't possible. Because you can't know. No one knows what's coming. This could be the last break up. We could reconnect and spend forever being happy. Or we could part ways and always wonder. But we cannot continue the cycle. I promise myself that here and now. I will not follow this trend until I am too weary to care what you do, how you act, or what you hide.
I am a strong woman. I have my own ideas, tastes, and opinions. I will not be worn away from giving all of myself to another and receiving pain in return. I have too much to offer. I am loyal and affectionate. I cook, I clean, I care, I fix. I raise a little zoo of animals on my own. I excel at school while working two jobs. I have savings and plans. I am constantly trying to better myself. I have just a few friends, but they are all I need. I would do anything for them. I want to be a good wife and mother. I want to raise my children to be contributing members of society who will make a positive impact on the world in their own small ways. All I want is happiness.
You are creative and talented, passionate and sensitive. You make me laugh and cry. You make me want to get married tomorrow. You make me envision the perfect little family that we will make. I adore you and I would do anything to make you happy. I can see our small apartment and our subsequent homes. I see our babies crawling on the floor and growing up in a world filled with more love than they could ever imagine. Everything is beautiful. But something lurks. It's hidden, but I know it's there because it comes out and takes over your body. Whether provoked by alcohol or not, it is dangerous. It calls me names that would never leave your mouth otherwise. It puts your hands on me in a way that you would never intend to. It can't be controlled. It terrifies me. We need to be rid of it, but I don't know how to accomplish the task. What I do know is that changes need to be made for us to have our happiness. My fear is that the lurking darkness will continue to surface repeatedly throughout our lives, causing you to make Earth shattering mistakes. I will continue to reevaluate my life periodically and be presented with the same decision I am faced with now. Only it will be different. A clean split today is fairly easy to accomplish. Years down the line, after marriage and children, it will not be possible. We will be part of each others' lives whether we chose to be or not. I fear that at that point, I will find myself feeling similar to the way I feel right now. Will it be worth the moments of happiness to end in pain? Or is that the inevitable end of everything?
Sometimes I am so certain that I am ready, but other times the thought makes me sick with fear. I really have no idea what to do with my life and I am frightened.
