I've really gone beyond the point of being pathetic. I currently have a quickly filling marriage binder, which I keep adding to constantly, and a baby box, which I am slowly filling with cute little onesies and baby socks. The problem with these activities is that I have no ring on my finger yet. I thought I wasn't ready for it, so I made excuses. However, the situation was not so certain when the talk of engagement popped up. Now I'm ready and waiting. Always waiting. I turned 22 on Monday. I'm well aware that this is still my time to be free and young, but I'm not interested in any "wild 20s experiences." I would give anything to have a beautiful wedding next spring and a bun in the oven by the fall. If only I had taken all those summer courses instead of taking the 5 year route... It really isn't fair that I've been working my ass off since I graduated high school and am still not ready to graduate this year, even though I'm a senior. I sincerely fear for my future. I'm afraid I won't be able to have all these wonderful things as soon as I would like.
It's funny how priorities change. A few years ago, my biggest fear was to go to college, become a teacher, get married, have kids, and begin the monotony of middle class life in a boring suburb. I wanted to sing for a rock band and travel the country; the world. I knew in my heart I wouldn't be satisfied if I didn't reach for my dreams. It makes me laugh to look back on it. Of course it would have been awesome to try out that lifestyle. But really, all I want is to have those things I just mentioned as my fears. Love has made me complete. It has filled the gap that would have been left by the absence of a touring rock band career. I'm dying to have my own place with the love of my life, to be his wife, and to bear his children. It seems I've grown quite a bit. But I still have so much waiting to do.
