Gettysburg is amazing.

Sometimes I don't know myself.

I feel like every connection I have right now is completely superficial. I long for something real and meaningful. I know I should just relax and enjoy being on my own and free, but it's not that easy. This time of year, I feel more alone for some reason. Who am I going to carve pumpkins with? Who is going to hold me on haunted hay rides when I'm screaming like an idiot? What good is chilly weather when there's no one to cuddle with?

I have a wedding tomorrow. I'm so excited for the bride. She's a very good friend of mine and one of the sweetest people on the face of this earth. She deserves happiness more than anyone I can think of. And while I will be extremely happy for her, a part of me will be thinking about that invitation she sent me with a plus one. It was so nice of her to make room, and I can't even fill the space. Of course it will go to someone else, but it hurts knowing who would have been there.

Lost

I'm afraid that I'm not going to find another place where I can fit so comfortably.

I spent most of my life being unsure of myself and where I belonged. There has only ever been one place where I was able to see myself forever. The interesting thing about it is that it never mattered where I physically was. I didn't care at all. That was the variable of my future that I never bothered to fill in.

I only needed to know with whom.

And now I know nothing.

I'm feeling better about things.

It's painfully obvious to me now that I can never go back to the way things were. I wouldn't want to if I could. The thought alone exhausts me. My therapist has helped me look at the situation from a distance and realize what it was: a manipulation.

She thinks I should get back into the things I used to enjoy, like going to shows, which I pretty much gave up entirely. I'm going to work on that kind of stuff. I'm going to work on myself by paying attention to my interactions with people.

I'm having a hard time defining myself without someone else right now. I'll be working on that too. I'm kind of seeing someone, but I'm not going to throw myself into anything. I'm not making plans. I'm going with the flow and taking things one step at a time.

Undecided

I wanted to grow my hair out so it would be long when I got married. Pshh...

Now that that's out of the picture, I can't decide what to do with it. I really missed it being long, but I hate the way it is right now. I thought I wanted it all one length, but I'm really hating it without short layers. It has no shape. It's blah. And I look like a "regular girl." And that's not cool. I always go for funky, rocker chick hair. I don't like having normal, plain, blah, boring hair. It's just not me. I came across some older pictures of myself and they got me thinking...

I got this haircut last November, and I really loved it. I had it for about a year and a half before I started growing it out. I'm starting to miss it a lot. It was much easier/quicker to wash and style. Plus, I'm DYING for my short layers. I just love them.



I had this blond in my hair a summer or two before I started cutting it short. I really miss this too. If I did get this look back, I would keep the length I have now, and just get some layers and bangs put in. I'm really torn, and I'm looking for opinions.

So... what do you think??

ARGHHHH!!!

If I could scream on here, that's what I'd be doing right now.





Assholes...

Confused... As Usual

I really need to accept the fact that I will never know what I want when it comes to relationships. I was on my own for a little while, and was pretty much content. A new opportunity arose that I thought would be a dream come true. Well... after 2 weeks of that, I'm more confused than ever. Just a few months ago, I was trying on a wedding dress, picking out engagement rings, and waiting for my chance to give an affirmative response to the anticipated question. So, I guess it shouldn't surprise me that sleeping next to someone else felt strange. I really have no idea what I'm doing.

Part of me is all about this new thing, but a huge part of me wants to be on my own again. I want to go to shows and be able to stand there without someone clinging to me and trying to take my attention away from the band. I don't want to be taken care of when I'm in the pit. I don't want to be distanced from my friend because I have to wait for someone else to keep up. I also don't want to hurt anyone, and I hate having that fear. I like having no one to please but myself. I like only worrying about what I need, what I want. Yes, it's selfish, but I spent the last 3 and a half years of my young life catering to and revolving around another human. I need some serious "Me Time."

What happened to a time when people just went on dates and had fun? Why is there such pressure for commitment right from the beginning? You barely have a chance to get to know someone before you're expected to hang out with them every chance you get, put them before your friends, and let them look through your phone. No wonder dating is so terrifying! I feel like I have to hand my life over to someone else, but I'm trying to pull it back and hide it away at the same time. I don't think I've recovered from the shock of losing my entire future. Of course it's going to be hard to work on a new one... with someone else... so soon.

Ugh! What's a girl to do?

...and there's nothing left of all my plans.

It turns out that the cycle only repeats itself and never changes. Relentless. I finally feel like I can get out of it, but at what cost? How do you evaluate a situation to decide whether it is worth investing the rest of  your life? It isn't possible. Because you can't know. No one knows what's coming. This could be the last break up. We could reconnect and spend forever being happy. Or we could part ways and always wonder. But we cannot continue the cycle. I promise myself that here and now. I will not follow this trend until I am too weary to care what you do, how you act, or what you hide.

I am a strong woman. I have my own ideas, tastes, and opinions. I will not be worn away from giving all of myself to another and receiving pain in return. I have too much to offer. I am loyal and affectionate. I cook, I clean, I care, I fix. I raise a little zoo of animals on my own. I excel at school while working two jobs. I have savings and plans. I am constantly trying to better myself. I have just a few friends, but they are all I need. I would do anything for them. I want to be a good wife and mother. I want to raise my children to be contributing members of society who will make a positive impact on the world in their own small ways. All I want is happiness.

You are creative and talented, passionate and sensitive. You make me laugh and cry. You make me want to get married tomorrow. You make me envision the perfect little family that we will make. I adore you and I would do anything to make you happy. I can see our small apartment and our subsequent homes. I see our babies crawling on the floor and growing up in a world filled with more love than they could ever imagine. Everything is beautiful. But something lurks. It's hidden, but I know it's there because it comes out and takes over your body. Whether provoked by alcohol or not, it is dangerous. It calls me names that would never leave your mouth otherwise. It puts your hands on me in a way that you would never intend to. It can't be controlled. It terrifies me. We need to be rid of it, but I don't know how to accomplish the task. What I do know is that changes need to be made for us to have our happiness. My fear is that the lurking darkness will continue to surface repeatedly throughout our lives, causing you to make Earth shattering mistakes. I will continue to reevaluate my life periodically and be presented with the same decision I am faced with now. Only it will be different. A clean split today is fairly easy to accomplish. Years down the line, after marriage and children, it will not be possible. We will be part of each others' lives whether we chose to be or not. I fear that at that point, I will find myself feeling similar to the way I feel right now. Will it be worth the moments of happiness to end in pain? Or is that the inevitable end of everything?

Sometimes I am so certain that I am ready, but other times the thought makes me sick with fear. I really have no idea what to do with my life and I am frightened.

This was just before my life fell apart... again. Taking it day by day. Nothing I can't handle.

Bittersweet

So I tried on my first wedding dress this week. No, I'm not engaged yet. And yes, that is a little ridiculous of me. It was completely impulsive. I saw one online that I never would have pictured myself wearing, but it was truly breath-taking. I looked at the locations that carry this particular designer and one of them happened to be right around the corner from my work. So I had to swing by on my break. =) I tried it on and loved it. I expected it to be like... $10,000 when I saw it online. Luckily, it's just $1,500. Still more than I was planning on spending, but it is very glamorous.

As far as all this wedding talk goes, I've put it on the back burner. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I really let it go that same day after arguing with my mom. The financial aspect isn't where I'd like it to be. We're also running out of time to prepare for the date I was hoping for. At the earliest, it will be pushed back to next fall. Not what I wanted, but it seems that most things don't go the way I want them to. I need to step back and reevaluate the situation. I also need to wait for the would-be groom to catch up.

As always, impatiently waiting.

Bliss

Things are better than I could have hoped to ask for right now, at least in one aspect of my life. My boyfriend and I have come to such a different place than where we used to be. It makes me so happy. We still have regular arguments and disagreements, but they pass by so quickly. Neither of us can stay mad and half the time we end up laughing before the argument is over. It's really amazing. There were times when I never thought we could get to this point. I feel like everything else in the world is less intimidating because I have such security in this part of my life.

Most other aspects of my life are still really confusing. School is so overwhelming. I'm currently working on my first real paper of the semester. It's nearly impossible when I have school 4 days a week and work 7 days. I have no time to sit down and do what I need to do. I work on a paragraph before I go to sleep, try to read a few chapters while I'm at work. It's awful. And something has to change. This is an extremely short paper and it's taking me almost a week. I have a 5 page paper coming up, a 10 page research paper, a powerpoint presentation, and I have to start on a 15 day unit plan. All of which is due right after spring break. So what do you think I'll be doing that whole week? Not vacationing. No, I'll be doing all that nonsense.

Then there's the animals. I'll talk about them on my other blog.

I'm also having issues with my friend situation. One already left for Texas, ages ago it seems. Another is leaving for the Air Force in early April. I don't know what I'll do without her. My only other friend and I have been butting heads lately and I'm not sure what's wrong. I don't know exactly how to fix it.

Ugh. This started out positive, but now I'm back to feeling like I want to crawl into bed and hide.