Dear 2012,

You started out on a really excellent note with a great student teaching experience and my college graduation. However, you have done almost nothing but shit on me since then. I was lucky enough to find a teaching job with great coworkers, but even getting that job was too stressful to be able to actually celebrate. My house shopping experience has been hell from the very start, and now I am miserable. 2012, I am ready for you to be over. Good riddance.

I feel as dead as can be.

I'm longing for human contact.

The last few nights I've been having dreams where I'm pregnant, which is a normal thing once in a while, but they're occurring incessantly... Again.

It's weird because there is no father in the dreams, but I'm still so happy.

While with my ex, the baby dreams were constant, and of course, they were his. But in these dreams, I don't know who the father is and I don't care. I even laughed about not knowing whose it was in one dream.

It's the reaffirmation that I'm trying to get my life started, but there are still pieces missing. I have a career now. I'm looking at houses. I have a salary, my own insurance, and a million possibilities ahead of me. I just don't have anyone to share any of it with.

Both my mind and body are rebelling against this fact, but there's nothing I can do to calm it. I wish I could be content with being young and single, and for a while I am, but it always comes back to this: feeling dead. Having dreams where I'm thrilled about having a baby, only to wake up and feel crushed at the realization of reality.

Ah, sigh.

Job searching like a fiend.

For the last 2 months, my life has centered around my quest for a teaching job. Graduating was awesome. I've never been more proud of myself. I'm trying to remember that as I apply to job after job and hear from very few schools. It's frightening. I know there's still time, so I'm not in total freak out yet. At least this is occupying most of my time. I'm kind of being less stupid in the guy department when I'm focused on this. I stress that I'm kinda less stupid.
Ah well...

A Big Day

Had I stayed with my ex (who I broke up with just about a year ago), today would have been our wedding day. Just saying that is scary.

I didn't know how I'd make it through this day, but I'm unexpectedly overwhelmed by how fortunate I am. I was in a big rush to be a "real" grown up and settle down, but I was also in a rush to settle.

Over the last year, I've learned a lot about myself and about what I want in life. I may not be perfectly content right now, but I'm free, and I'm safe. Those are two things I'll never compromise on, so anyone I end up with needs to make me feel that I'm still free and safe, not trapped and scared.

I'm not going to settle ever again.

I'm not going to tell you about this one.

Because every time I post about a new boy, it doesn't work out, and I look like a fool.

I'm very hopeful this time, so I'll tell you about it later. Maybe this time, it will be good news.

<3

Because I&apos;m an idiot,

I've fallen for a boy that does not meet any of my criteria. He's young. He's not in school. He smokes. He's in a band. He has an audience on every social networking medium made up of other bands, attention-seeking fans, sluts, and even strippers! Cool.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm just riding it out to see where it goes, if anywhere. I'm not pushing anything in any direction, just letting whatever happens happen.

This approach can't be worse than how things have been turning out. We'll see...

The Never Ending Rollercoaster.

As is becoming typical of me, I've completely changed my mind overnight. Just when I think I'm ready for a relationship, I wake up one morning wanting nothing to do with the situation. I'm going to stop making myself crazy over this nonsense and go back to worrying about school. Ugh.