This was just before my life fell apart... again. Taking it day by day. Nothing I can't handle.

Bittersweet

So I tried on my first wedding dress this week. No, I'm not engaged yet. And yes, that is a little ridiculous of me. It was completely impulsive. I saw one online that I never would have pictured myself wearing, but it was truly breath-taking. I looked at the locations that carry this particular designer and one of them happened to be right around the corner from my work. So I had to swing by on my break. =) I tried it on and loved it. I expected it to be like... $10,000 when I saw it online. Luckily, it's just $1,500. Still more than I was planning on spending, but it is very glamorous.

As far as all this wedding talk goes, I've put it on the back burner. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I really let it go that same day after arguing with my mom. The financial aspect isn't where I'd like it to be. We're also running out of time to prepare for the date I was hoping for. At the earliest, it will be pushed back to next fall. Not what I wanted, but it seems that most things don't go the way I want them to. I need to step back and reevaluate the situation. I also need to wait for the would-be groom to catch up.

As always, impatiently waiting.

Bliss

Things are better than I could have hoped to ask for right now, at least in one aspect of my life. My boyfriend and I have come to such a different place than where we used to be. It makes me so happy. We still have regular arguments and disagreements, but they pass by so quickly. Neither of us can stay mad and half the time we end up laughing before the argument is over. It's really amazing. There were times when I never thought we could get to this point. I feel like everything else in the world is less intimidating because I have such security in this part of my life.

Most other aspects of my life are still really confusing. School is so overwhelming. I'm currently working on my first real paper of the semester. It's nearly impossible when I have school 4 days a week and work 7 days. I have no time to sit down and do what I need to do. I work on a paragraph before I go to sleep, try to read a few chapters while I'm at work. It's awful. And something has to change. This is an extremely short paper and it's taking me almost a week. I have a 5 page paper coming up, a 10 page research paper, a powerpoint presentation, and I have to start on a 15 day unit plan. All of which is due right after spring break. So what do you think I'll be doing that whole week? Not vacationing. No, I'll be doing all that nonsense.

Then there's the animals. I'll talk about them on my other blog.

I'm also having issues with my friend situation. One already left for Texas, ages ago it seems. Another is leaving for the Air Force in early April. I don't know what I'll do without her. My only other friend and I have been butting heads lately and I'm not sure what's wrong. I don't know exactly how to fix it.

Ugh. This started out positive, but now I'm back to feeling like I want to crawl into bed and hide.

A Christmas Gift

My boyfriend found this in a store and made it into a necklace for me. He said that the birds were him and myself. Our nest is empty at the moment, but when that part of our lives changes he's going to add eggs to the nest. It's the loveliest gift I could have asked for. I'm so lucky.

I've fallen in love.

Since school is out for winter break, I spend a lot of time browsing online for wedding related things. It keeps me entertained when things are really slow at work. I didn't intend to pick out my own ring, but it happened the other day. I fell in love with a particular ring, and haven't been able to get it out of my head!
I emailed it to the boy and told him I was making it easy for him. I would have been happy with whatever he got me. I spent a lot of time looking, though, because I wanted him to know what I wanted and not be stressed about finding me a ring. Now I'm just waiting. And staring at the picture of it and sighing. =)

Getting Ahead of Myself

I've really gone beyond the point of being pathetic. I currently have a quickly filling marriage binder, which I keep adding to constantly, and a baby box, which I am slowly filling with cute little onesies and baby socks. The problem with these activities is that I have no ring on my finger yet. I thought I wasn't ready for it, so I made excuses. However, the situation was not so certain when the talk of engagement popped up. Now I'm ready and waiting. Always waiting. I turned 22 on Monday. I'm well aware that this is still my time to be free and young, but I'm not interested in any "wild 20s experiences." I would give anything to have a beautiful wedding next spring and a bun in the oven by the fall. If only I had taken all those summer courses instead of taking the 5 year route... It really isn't fair that I've been working my ass off since I graduated high school and am still not ready to graduate this year, even though I'm a senior. I sincerely fear for my future. I'm afraid I won't be able to have all these wonderful things as soon as I would like.

It's funny how priorities change. A few years ago, my biggest fear was to go to college, become a teacher, get married, have kids, and begin the monotony of middle class life in a boring suburb. I wanted to sing for a rock band and travel the country; the world. I knew in my heart I wouldn't be satisfied if I didn't reach for my dreams. It makes me laugh to look back on it. Of course it would have been awesome to try out that lifestyle. But really, all I want is to have those things I just mentioned as my fears. Love has made me complete. It has filled the gap that would have been left by the absence of a touring rock band career. I'm dying to have my own place with the love of my life, to be his wife, and to bear his children. It seems I've grown quite a bit. But I still have so much waiting to do.

I'm tired of feeling like I can't get ahead of my school work. It's never ending.