Getting Ahead of Myself

I've really gone beyond the point of being pathetic. I currently have a quickly filling marriage binder, which I keep adding to constantly, and a baby box, which I am slowly filling with cute little onesies and baby socks. The problem with these activities is that I have no ring on my finger yet. I thought I wasn't ready for it, so I made excuses. However, the situation was not so certain when the talk of engagement popped up. Now I'm ready and waiting. Always waiting. I turned 22 on Monday. I'm well aware that this is still my time to be free and young, but I'm not interested in any "wild 20s experiences." I would give anything to have a beautiful wedding next spring and a bun in the oven by the fall. If only I had taken all those summer courses instead of taking the 5 year route... It really isn't fair that I've been working my ass off since I graduated high school and am still not ready to graduate this year, even though I'm a senior. I sincerely fear for my future. I'm afraid I won't be able to have all these wonderful things as soon as I would like.

It's funny how priorities change. A few years ago, my biggest fear was to go to college, become a teacher, get married, have kids, and begin the monotony of middle class life in a boring suburb. I wanted to sing for a rock band and travel the country; the world. I knew in my heart I wouldn't be satisfied if I didn't reach for my dreams. It makes me laugh to look back on it. Of course it would have been awesome to try out that lifestyle. But really, all I want is to have those things I just mentioned as my fears. Love has made me complete. It has filled the gap that would have been left by the absence of a touring rock band career. I'm dying to have my own place with the love of my life, to be his wife, and to bear his children. It seems I've grown quite a bit. But I still have so much waiting to do.

I'm tired of feeling like I can't get ahead of my school work. It's never ending.

Tonight was a family party

For my uncle and cousin.

And I spilled an appletini in my purse.

Because I'm awesome.

Since this is pretty much my diary...

I'll just do some much needed whining and crying here. It looks like I'll be left alone tonight. It could be an opportunity to hang out with my BFFs that I haven't seen in forever. Odds are, they're busy. And either way I have a shitload of homework I know I should work on. I'm really very miserable during the school semesters. I have no idea how I'll make it through the next 3 after this one.

Add to the ridiculous amount of school work my 2 jobs. About 30something hours a week, but they still kill me. And I'm still broke! I don't understand it. Tonight I was supposed to be with my boyfriend, but he wants to go out with a friend. I don't get why he can't do that during the week when I don't get to see him. But whatever. This still shouldn't be making me cry. I guess I'm just frustrated.

I have laryngitis. Even if I wanted to go out with friends, I can't fucking talk! So that wouldn't be much fun. I just want to sleep for days. Well, really I just wanted to go home and sleep next to my boyfriend. But no. So here I am. At work. Miserable and trying not to cry. I still have a million things to do and I don't feel like I'll get much done tonight. I'm stuck here for another hour and a half and then I get to go home and spend my saturday night crying on my homework. Awesome.

Impatiently Waiting

In a previous post, I talked about feeling like I was waiting for my life to catch up with my thinking and planning. This hasn't changed, except, perhaps to get worse. When we have some extra money, my boyfriend and I are getting promise rings for each other. He would like to get engaged, but I feel like we need some more time before that happens. The absolute earliest chance we would be able to get married isn't for another year and a half. The idea of being engaged for almost 2 years just doesn't sit well with me. It seems childish I guess. I don't know why I think that, but that's how it is.

Don't get me wrong, the idea of getting engaged to him has me smiling like a goof. I just think that if I came home today and told my parents I was engaged, they would either laugh or not have a reaction. It might be different if my boyfriend and I hadn't broken up recently, which I thought was for good. I feel like once all that is further behind us, I will be more receptive to the idea. This is all besides the fact that we have NO MONEY! haha And if I'm walking down the isle, it's going to be in a big gorgeous dress. =)

And My World Goes Round