Gettysburg is amazing.

Sometimes I don't know myself.

I feel like every connection I have right now is completely superficial. I long for something real and meaningful. I know I should just relax and enjoy being on my own and free, but it's not that easy. This time of year, I feel more alone for some reason. Who am I going to carve pumpkins with? Who is going to hold me on haunted hay rides when I'm screaming like an idiot? What good is chilly weather when there's no one to cuddle with?

I have a wedding tomorrow. I'm so excited for the bride. She's a very good friend of mine and one of the sweetest people on the face of this earth. She deserves happiness more than anyone I can think of. And while I will be extremely happy for her, a part of me will be thinking about that invitation she sent me with a plus one. It was so nice of her to make room, and I can't even fill the space. Of course it will go to someone else, but it hurts knowing who would have been there.

Lost

I'm afraid that I'm not going to find another place where I can fit so comfortably.

I spent most of my life being unsure of myself and where I belonged. There has only ever been one place where I was able to see myself forever. The interesting thing about it is that it never mattered where I physically was. I didn't care at all. That was the variable of my future that I never bothered to fill in.

I only needed to know with whom.

And now I know nothing.

I'm feeling better about things.

It's painfully obvious to me now that I can never go back to the way things were. I wouldn't want to if I could. The thought alone exhausts me. My therapist has helped me look at the situation from a distance and realize what it was: a manipulation.

She thinks I should get back into the things I used to enjoy, like going to shows, which I pretty much gave up entirely. I'm going to work on that kind of stuff. I'm going to work on myself by paying attention to my interactions with people.

I'm having a hard time defining myself without someone else right now. I'll be working on that too. I'm kind of seeing someone, but I'm not going to throw myself into anything. I'm not making plans. I'm going with the flow and taking things one step at a time.

Undecided

I wanted to grow my hair out so it would be long when I got married. Pshh...

Now that that's out of the picture, I can't decide what to do with it. I really missed it being long, but I hate the way it is right now. I thought I wanted it all one length, but I'm really hating it without short layers. It has no shape. It's blah. And I look like a "regular girl." And that's not cool. I always go for funky, rocker chick hair. I don't like having normal, plain, blah, boring hair. It's just not me. I came across some older pictures of myself and they got me thinking...

I got this haircut last November, and I really loved it. I had it for about a year and a half before I started growing it out. I'm starting to miss it a lot. It was much easier/quicker to wash and style. Plus, I'm DYING for my short layers. I just love them.



I had this blond in my hair a summer or two before I started cutting it short. I really miss this too. If I did get this look back, I would keep the length I have now, and just get some layers and bangs put in. I'm really torn, and I'm looking for opinions.

So... what do you think??

ARGHHHH!!!

If I could scream on here, that's what I'd be doing right now.





Assholes...

Confused... As Usual

I really need to accept the fact that I will never know what I want when it comes to relationships. I was on my own for a little while, and was pretty much content. A new opportunity arose that I thought would be a dream come true. Well... after 2 weeks of that, I'm more confused than ever. Just a few months ago, I was trying on a wedding dress, picking out engagement rings, and waiting for my chance to give an affirmative response to the anticipated question. So, I guess it shouldn't surprise me that sleeping next to someone else felt strange. I really have no idea what I'm doing.

Part of me is all about this new thing, but a huge part of me wants to be on my own again. I want to go to shows and be able to stand there without someone clinging to me and trying to take my attention away from the band. I don't want to be taken care of when I'm in the pit. I don't want to be distanced from my friend because I have to wait for someone else to keep up. I also don't want to hurt anyone, and I hate having that fear. I like having no one to please but myself. I like only worrying about what I need, what I want. Yes, it's selfish, but I spent the last 3 and a half years of my young life catering to and revolving around another human. I need some serious "Me Time."

What happened to a time when people just went on dates and had fun? Why is there such pressure for commitment right from the beginning? You barely have a chance to get to know someone before you're expected to hang out with them every chance you get, put them before your friends, and let them look through your phone. No wonder dating is so terrifying! I feel like I have to hand my life over to someone else, but I'm trying to pull it back and hide it away at the same time. I don't think I've recovered from the shock of losing my entire future. Of course it's going to be hard to work on a new one... with someone else... so soon.

Ugh! What's a girl to do?