Happy

I feel a strong need to make this post because I'm usually ranting or sad on here. That's not the case this time. My job is horrible, but things really started looking up when my coworkers and I took a spring break vacation in Florida. Poolside, Animal Kingdom & Epcot, Clearwater, Club 23, dinner with my Florida family. It was a truly splendid time.

It was hard coming back, but something made it easier. I met a boy through an app called tinder (I know that's terrible) on the way to Florida. We talked I lot, and I couldn't wait to meet him. When I finally did, it was so much more than I expected. He pretty much took my breath away. Since then, I've fallen even more. It's crazy because there are so many things that would have been deal breakers for me. For some reason, I can't even see it that way. He's extraordinary. I suppose everything else makes up for those "deal breakers."

One of my coworkers met someone as well. We danced around the teachers' lounge as I yelled "WERE IN LOVE!" It was a good Monday. Mondays aren't so bad when I have memories of Saturday night and Sunday morning to relive and dwell on.

The next amazing thing that happened was my best friend getting engaged. I was sad that I didn't get to be there but so stoked for the two of them! They are an amazing couple. They will do so well. She and I had talked about wedding stuff before (duh! We're girls). She already had some things picked out, so I knew I was the maid of honor and what dress I'd most likely be wearing. We are now getting deeper into the planning. She has called on me for assistance because I had planned a wedding already that never ended up happening. Which sucked at the time, but now I have the experience! It's so much fun planning a real wedding for two people that I love so much and that love each other so much.

Finally, my other best friend is coming home to visit next week. She's in the Air Force and based in North Dakota... Which sucks balls. BUT she will be back in jersey for a week, so I'm thrilled. I miss her terribly. I also haven't met her boyfriend yet, so that is exciting as well. I can't wait to hug her and spend a weekend with her just doing whatever we want.

In conclusion, life is good right now. I don't know how long this ridiculous happiness will last, but I am milking it for all that its worth. This doesn't happens to me often, but it feels like everything is coming together.

The End.

Early Ramblings

I’m so fucking tired of my thought processes. I hate myself for them. I’m pathetic. I really thought I was a strong person, and in some ways I am. But in so many ways I’m the biggest loser in the world. It’s been a long time since I cared what people thought of me, so maybe I’ve done too much damage. I don’t like people in general, so when I do, it’s a big deal. And I’m just like fuck it, but that’s not getting me anywhere. I’ve gotten so many things that I wanted. I graduated. I got a job in my chosen career in a shitty economy. I bought a house. There’s a lot of shit that goes along with all that, but I take it in stride. Then I get all bent out of shape over bullshit. It’s disgusting. I feel like I just want to be left alone, but I’m so lonely it hurts. So I just hate people a little bit more. I don’t even know what my problem actually is. Last night was actually fun. More fun than I’ve had in a while. If I could stop expecting too much from people and just leave it at that… A good show & some good grub. That’s the simple life. No analyzing. No over thinking. No blaming myself for something I did/said a year ago. Fuck that shit, man. I wish I could fall back asleep. It’s to early to be up when you waited up for nothing except your damn comforter to dry.

Dear 2012,

You started out on a really excellent note with a great student teaching experience and my college graduation. However, you have done almost nothing but shit on me since then. I was lucky enough to find a teaching job with great coworkers, but even getting that job was too stressful to be able to actually celebrate. My house shopping experience has been hell from the very start, and now I am miserable. 2012, I am ready for you to be over. Good riddance.

I feel as dead as can be.

I'm longing for human contact.

The last few nights I've been having dreams where I'm pregnant, which is a normal thing once in a while, but they're occurring incessantly... Again.

It's weird because there is no father in the dreams, but I'm still so happy.

While with my ex, the baby dreams were constant, and of course, they were his. But in these dreams, I don't know who the father is and I don't care. I even laughed about not knowing whose it was in one dream.

It's the reaffirmation that I'm trying to get my life started, but there are still pieces missing. I have a career now. I'm looking at houses. I have a salary, my own insurance, and a million possibilities ahead of me. I just don't have anyone to share any of it with.

Both my mind and body are rebelling against this fact, but there's nothing I can do to calm it. I wish I could be content with being young and single, and for a while I am, but it always comes back to this: feeling dead. Having dreams where I'm thrilled about having a baby, only to wake up and feel crushed at the realization of reality.

Ah, sigh.

Job searching like a fiend.

For the last 2 months, my life has centered around my quest for a teaching job. Graduating was awesome. I've never been more proud of myself. I'm trying to remember that as I apply to job after job and hear from very few schools. It's frightening. I know there's still time, so I'm not in total freak out yet. At least this is occupying most of my time. I'm kind of being less stupid in the guy department when I'm focused on this. I stress that I'm kinda less stupid.
Ah well...

A Big Day

Had I stayed with my ex (who I broke up with just about a year ago), today would have been our wedding day. Just saying that is scary.

I didn't know how I'd make it through this day, but I'm unexpectedly overwhelmed by how fortunate I am. I was in a big rush to be a "real" grown up and settle down, but I was also in a rush to settle.

Over the last year, I've learned a lot about myself and about what I want in life. I may not be perfectly content right now, but I'm free, and I'm safe. Those are two things I'll never compromise on, so anyone I end up with needs to make me feel that I'm still free and safe, not trapped and scared.

I'm not going to settle ever again.

I'm not going to tell you about this one.

Because every time I post about a new boy, it doesn't work out, and I look like a fool.

I'm very hopeful this time, so I'll tell you about it later. Maybe this time, it will be good news.

<3